January 30, 2018

Warning! Personal Post Below

Hi friends! This week is my birthday week – ahh! Most years, I am excited for my birthday, but this year has just been weird. I’m turning 30 (ugh). I guess I’m not one of those girls who take it in stride and think “oh 30 is going to be amazing!” I mean, I’m sure it will be – once I look back on it in like 5 years 😉 but thinking about it freaks me out. And this is going to be my first birthday without my mom, which also really freaks me out.

I keep seeing things all over Instagram about bloggers not being real and portraying this “fake/happy life.” Yes, most of what I post makes my life seem pretty great. But this past year has not been easy. I lost my mom to cancer last May and trying to find normalcy again has been challenging. Some days I am totally fine; other days I find myself breaking down over nothing – confusing the hell out of my husband. It gets to me a lot at night, right before I go to bed. My mind starts to race and I think about all of the things my mom is going to miss in my life – and all of the things I’m going to have to figure out on my own without her.

We did this exercise at a work outing/team bonding day that included talking about some of your biggest fears in life. My top fear was not just getting older, but getting older without my mom. In particular, having children of my own without my mom to guide me through it. I always wonder how women know how to be mothers before they have their first child. I literally have no clue what to do or how to do so many things. My best guess was always to call my mom with any questions I wouldn’t know the answer to. Don’t moms always seem to have an answer for everything??

Seeing that is no longer an option, I have to look elsewhere. (Now, this is not to say that I am going to have children right now or any time soon, but it is definitely in my future.) I am thankful, though, that I have my sister, who also lives in Chicago and has a daughter of her own. I know she will be my life line on those days where I don’t have a clue what I’m doing. And I guess I should probably read those baby books?

Losing a parent is a strange thing. It is a terrible loss, a void that cannot be filled. I have a constant ache when I think about my mom. And I hate to admit it, but I sometimes feel a sense of jealousy when seeing other women my age who still have their mom and have a strong relationship with her.

A friend of mine sent me a book after my mother passed. It is called “Option B,” by Sheryl Sandberg. (You may recognize her from her other successful book, “Lean In”). Sheryl lost her husband unexpectedly. She talks about how she faces the loss of her partner and finds comfort and happiness without him – which she calls “Option B.” If we cannot have Option A (in my case, a life with my mom and in Sheryl’s case, a life with Dave, her husband), then there has to be an Option B. I still have not finished the book, as it is hard for me to read at times. But it has helped me to realize that the thoughts and feelings I have are normal. In the book, Sheryl tells her children that it is okay to feel jealous and that even she feels jealous at times. That it is okay to cry, okay to be happy when you feel happy, okay to be angry when you feel angry, okay to be sad when you feel sad.

They say the first year is the hardest. I know it definitely has been for my dad. I hope that he can find comfort in other things in life. I know the heartache I feel, but it probably does not compare to his.

I felt that it was finally time for me to get this off of my chest and out into the world. That is why I’m writing it all down today. Sometimes we find support in places we never expect. Maybe this will reach someone else who has lost a parent or just needs to hear that it will be okay. It will be okay.

Thank you for reading, if you’ve made it this far!

Now, I will get to something a little lighter, and maybe what some of you are actually here to see. So how about a cute boyfriend bomber jacket? I’m keeping this part short and sweet. This bomber jacket is from Member’s Only. I love the oversized style and the army green color. You can shop it here or at the link below.